“Delayed but Inevitable”: Understanding the Heartache of RSD
For a long time, I thought I was a psychic. I could detect the slightest shift in a text message whether it was a missing emoji or a delay in a reply that lasted three minutes too long. I used these subtle changes in my partner’s tone as a baseline to predict the weather of our relationship. If the tone shifted, I assumed a storm was coming.
The Internal Paradox
On the outside, I probably looked like I didn't care. To my partner, I appeared shut down, distant, or even nonchalant. But inside? Inside was a different story altogether.
Inside, I was catastrophising everything. I was building elaborate, painful scenarios centered around one core belief: that I was inherently unloveable.
I lived with the constant, crushing weight that "rejection is sometimes delayed, but is always inevitable."
I was just waiting for the other shoe to drop, convinced it was only a matter of time before they realized I wasn't enough.
Why didn’t I just say something? Because verbalizing those feelings felt like signing a death warrant for the relationship. I feared that if I spoke the words "I feel like you're going to leave me," I would actualize the very thing I dreaded most. I oscillated between a private room of self-loathing and a desperate fear that my nightmares were about to become my reality.
The Turning Point
Ironically, it wasn't a breakthrough in a therapy session or a fight with my partner that changed things. It was during my ADHD coaching training that I finally put a name to the monster: Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria (RSD). Realizing that my brain was wired to process perceived rejection as physical pain changed the narrative. It wasn't that I was "too much" or that my relationship was doomed; it was that my neurodivergent brain was overreacting to protect me from a threat that wasn't actually there.
The Power of Reassurance
If you love someone with ADHD and RSD, you might feel like you’re walking on eggshells, or confused by their sudden "shutdowns."
The most transformative thing you can do is provide reassurance. But it can’t just be a script; it needs to be authentic to how your partner receives love. Whether it’s a physical touch, a specific word of affirmation, or an act of service, that bridge of reassurance is what helps us step out of the "inevitable rejection" loop and back into the safety of the present moment.
How to Provide Authentic Reassurance: A Guide for Partners
Reassurance for someone with RSD isn’t about "fixing" their feelings or telling them they’re being "too sensitive." It’s about providing a safe landing spot for their nervous system. Since everyone receives love differently, here are a few ways to tailor that reassurance so it actually sinks in:
The "Safety Check" Text: If you know you’re going to be busy or your tone might come across as short because you’re stressed at work, send a quick "pre-emptive" text: "Super busy day and I’m feeling stressed, but I’m still your biggest fan. Can’t wait to see you tonight." This prevents the "tone-sensing" brain from filling the silence with catastrophes.
Physical Grounding: For many, the physical sensation of RSD feels like a hollow ache or a punch to the chest. If your partner is shutting down, ask: "Can I give you a 'long hug'?" Sometimes, the physical pressure of a 20-second hug can do more to quiet the brain than a thousand words.
Verbalising the "Obvious": To a neurotypical brain, it might seem obvious that "I'm just tired, I’m not mad at you." But to an RSD brain, that isn't obvious at all. Explicitly stating the "why" behind your mood helps: "I'm having a really hard day and I'm a bit grumpy, but I'm not grumpy at you. We are okay."
The "Lighthouse" Ritual: Create a phrase or a gesture that is unique to your relationship; something that specifically means "I am here, and you are safe." It could be a specific emoji or a hand-squeeze. When things feel shaky, this "secret language" acts as a lighthouse through the fog.
Specific Affirmations: Instead of a generic "You're fine," try something that targets their specific fear of being "too much." Try: "I love the way your brain works, even the parts that are currently worried. I’m not going anywhere."
We may not be able to turn off the RSD entirely, but we can change the story we tell ourselves about it. It doesn’t have to be a story of inevitable rejection; it can be a story of deep connection, radical honesty, and a love that is strong enough to weather the quietest of storms.
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